relaxed thoughts

god what a week. my memory is terrible. I'm writing this to make it so in the future I dont forget what's happened, but I know that some things hurt me so badly I've already pushed them out of sight (although the feeling is still not out of mind).
David and I were getting along great (I thought) for the first few days. he had started treating me civilly, and we would talk, and it was a joy. but then he sent derek after me to tell me that David said for me to shut up. david completely ignored me. me and derek ended up talking and becoming pretty cool. we talked (me and derek) for six hours on the phone about what was happening in our lives and what to do about David acting this way. it made me feel better to know that after I told the absolute truth about my past to derek, he still continued to talk nicely to me for another 3 hours until I was too tired to string sentences together. then he called 2 hours later to thank me for the conversation. very nice. David on the other hand didnt canswer my calls all day (as usual) and so I left him a few messages telling him I needed to come to a decision about what was to happen with me and him and all that, and I called him out on a few lies I found the truth about from derek. he basically went on to tell me he didnt love me, and that I made him a sinful person, and he only thought about me lustfully, and he doesnt want that ina relationship, and he cant see me and him together.. on and on. this crushed me. but by the end of it, he admitted to actually being in love with Darja, this Slovenian girl he met in November, the whole time he was telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me. he told me that he had been dishonest. I told him "I know, I trusted you so much" and he said "not to you, to her." ........ I told him this cant be happening, why is this happening? "she loves me" "but I love you" "but I dont love you, I love her". I wanted to die. I tried to die, I prayed for death. no one in the world had as much of my trust as he did.. when me and him were together, he was my everything. I never cheated, I remained his. and even these past few months, I told him outright that I would be committed to him and him alone.. and what does he do? the very thing he hated me and derek for-- he was telling someone he loved me when I was so madly in love with him.. now view this: when I was with derek, david had convinced me he didnt want to be with me and he didnt love me. I was trying to deattach myself. but with all this, David and I WERE "something", 8000 minutes of talking and cooing and flirting and giving pleasure, and yet he still was saying all these things to another girl-- and continues to. he's a hypocrite.. a hypocrite I would sell my soul to stop loving. I have never been so hurt by anyone as he has hurt me, and he will never apologize. he will never see what he's done, and what he's doing. he chooses to help my past against me and not try to see that with every nerve, cell, and atom in my body, soul and spirit, I wanted to make the rest of his life the best it could be. *sigh* what to do what to do - _ - I hate this.

I saw Mary for ten minutes. her brother is a prick. the girl her brother was with was giving me dirty looks. mary seemed uncomfortable with me being there and how her brother was acting. I want to die. I saw david for a total of like 6 hours, and mary for ten minutes. I have a picture of me and david on my phone smiling and looking happy, and one of me and mary the same way (except a different kind of love in my eyes) but both of them seem so fake now. two of the closest people to me don't want to see me, or spend time with me. I've never been so sad. I have no encouragement to do anything with my life. my past has f*cked up my future. David ignored me again tonight. I called holding back tears ( I haven't cried during any of this, but it's been hard ), and left him a message and he didnt respond. I decided to play some LOD to relax, but there he was online, getting my messages but continued ignoring me. he treats me now like I just in the past month have treated him like a piece of sh*t. I have had unconditional, platonic love for him for the longest time, and just because he thought a little harder about my past (and I'm guessing talked it out with someone(s) ), and decided to just drop me completely. ugh. I want to die so badly to stop feeling my heart shatter, then try to mend itself, and shatter again in a cycle of hours. I wish I had someone in my life that recognized my terrible past as the past and nothing more. as mistakes and bad decisions, not intentional acts to hurt and harm someone.

things are calmer. Me and David are at least.. talking. that makes me feel good. his voice is like silk. I'm about to leave togo meet Mary dear at the airport. God only knows if her brother will be taking me and her back to Wyoming-- I'm almost hoping it turns out I stay here, at least for now. I feel so sick, I've had a fever since late last afternoon. And I really want to play LOD. I'm nervous to see her. in one week I'll see two of the three people I care for most in this world, and I think this time, like the other, will be much too short. I wish Vancouver, Terra Linda, and New Tampa were all combined. terra's mornings, vancouver's days, and Tampa's nights (and beautiful sunsets). although Terra's infamous pacific sunsets are quite the breath-stealer. I feel so much love for these people. I feel like I'm radiating the love I'm feeling, and I'm sad I cannot have any of them here to feel it. well, I should get dressed and grab some clothes and throw them in a bag just incase. and the camera. *whew* what a week this has been.

how can he completely forget all of the past year? how can he forget tens upon thousands of minutes-- hundreds and hundreds of hours of my voice, and his thoughts? how can he kiss me and coo to me, and say I deserve to be treated like an animal only a few days later? my past is terrible, but not my present. why won't he just deny a relationship but keep talking? Already I miss his voice. not the angry, apathetic "whatever, brenna" voice. but the "brenny, I wish you were here" voice. I can never trust another relationship again--- because everything he did to me in person, every smile, every hug, every kiss, as real as I thought it, wasn't to him. how could I ever trust those things again?

alright, so david left me tonight. I gues he didn't *leave* me, because we werew never together to begin with. well we WERE together, 3 years ago, but you know what I mean. I know what I mean. I'm so damn drunk right now, I couldnt thinkg of a smart way to handle this pain, so I decided "hey it's time for me to know what wasted feels like" and I'm a damn loser just writing a blog with 80 porrf pumping through my veins. I hate Rachel. she wants the best for david, but she's a damn idiot. david lies more than I did. kissing me, and holding me, and caressing me, and treating me like I've never been treated. I felt love through his lips and his fingers and all he can say now is that he only did those things so I would LEAVE! I love him so much, this hurts. it's messed up. the kissed, the things I waited for fo so long, the things that meant the world to me, was just a test for him to see if anything changed when he did them. and nothing did! my ugly, nasty self, my horrible, evil, terrible self did nothing but I think repulse him. I spent around 600 (I did the math) on this trip, only to have the love of my life tell me he doesnt want ME in HIS life, even though I shared the same title for him two weeks ago. I hate this. my lips are numb and I feel like if I lay down I will cry my heart out, but right now I'm calm. I'm light and calm. I'm calling out of work tomorrow and I'm basically saying "F you" to school, beccause what good will that do me now? I was looking to go to USF ASAP but I dont think that would be a very hot idea now. I may have hurt him so bad in the past, but he's been playing with my heart! he thinks I think of sex too much, with my pets and kisses on the cheek, and holding his hands, and looking into his eyes. EARTH TO DAVID--- it's called AFFECTION. learn the difference from me grabbing your crothch and pulling my pants down. If I wanted sex, I could get it for a dozen and ten other boys here. but I didnt want that, I DONT want that. I wanted you. I wanted to make up for the past, my horrible past by showing you exactly what I see when I think of you. I wanted you to feel safe knowing I was committed to you and only you, always and forever. but whatever. listen to your scene, drunk, high, stoned, uneducated, rude, vulgar, impolite, disrespectful sister, and your mother who tolerates said behaviour. my parents may not be the best in the world, but at least they'd do their damndest to stop me if I started dating WOMEN and 30 year olds. that's just me. anyway. this is starting to wear off so I am going to watch some more greasymoose and think about the good times, because all I want is good times. I wanna think about disneyworld, and the dream that that first kiss you gave me actually meant something to you, and that when we were on the bed, you could feel the love I felt towards you radiating off my skin (you idiot, taking my second shirt off does not mean "fuck me stud", it means (more exposed skin for me to feel your skin on, and the kind of skin that would not get either of us in trouble) because last time I checked, shoulders and elbows were not the main focus in MAXIM or PLAYBOY'S centerfold. suit yourself! I'm a bitch from the past but a devoted loyal deeply in love person from the present and wanted-to-be future. my rant is over.

I'm fasting again. the last fast didnt last like I wanted it to, but instead of any food or water, let's see how long I can go without anything! let's see if I can get to 135lbs, what do you think? it'll take like 2 weeks, no problem. sweet. off I go

I love that boy so much! How is it possible to be this in love for this long?

here I am at the end of the second day of the fast. I feel fine just fine. I keep drooling over the thought of swedish fish and eggplant parmesan and ice cream and dove bars and green chile and caesar salad and *salivating right now* you get the picture. but I am NOT hungry. My mom has been making the concoction for me to drink, and I found out today that she'd been putting in 2400 calories worth of maple syrup in there. 2400! that's ridiculous. she's cutting that into a 1/4 that ammount. Swedish fish..... *slaps self* that shall be the first thing I eat on monday. tuesday. whatever. that and orange chicken! David is at work right now; I got off work super early. I'm finding it easier and easier to look at food without a problem. so in that field I'm doing fine.

I need to buy some new clothes soon. I really feel like a bag lady sometimes with all the old stuff I have. Oh well. I feel good right now, if I haven't already wrote that. Jack Johnson is playing, I'll be talking to David soon, and tomorrow I can work out all the work I missed at school. *heart drops* oh man.. I still have so much work to do... Luckily a girl at my work is offering to cover any shift this next week, so I'll overwhelm her so I can focus solely on schoolwork. --- and David. ---- and Diablo II. yes, yes that sounds about right.

You really never realize how much free time you have in a day when you don't have "meals" to look forward to. the WHOLE day seems like a stream of time you have to do things in, without break or pause. it's pretty cool. anyways. I'm going to organize myself for a stupid 6.30am wake-up and COLLEGE. I'll write more later.

after I wrote this, me and David talked for a little longer. I told him I wanted to see him so he put on his webcam, but when he did he looked so upset. I turned mine on just so it'd be fair, but for the next 15 minutes he didn't say anything and he had his head in his hand. Augh, I stressed. then he said he needed to go, and left. ;O;. I called him back about twenty minutes later saying that 'even you you feel bad and you're having a terrible day, remember that I love you and that I wish I could do something to make you feel better but I know there isn't'. then after a minute or two all he said was "goodnight"

*dead*

I fell asleep pretty terrible, but in the middle of the night (an hour an a half later) I was awoken by my phone. I scrambled to get to it (my eyesight was still very blurry) and I answered. David called and said "I love you Brenny, I want you to know that. I was thinking back to that night a few days ago when you were saying all those things when you didn't know if I was asleep. I don't want you to stress out when I get in bad moods like this, because I don't stop loving you, even if it's harder to see. so... relax." that totally melted me. more was said by me and him but I can't remember right now. It ended sweetly.

I have work today, but I won't again until thursday. I'm looking forward to it-- all the people I'm scheduled to work with are totally mellow. I need to go brush my teeth. I need a new toothbrush. and toothpaste. and a manicure. and new clothes.

I woke up this morning feeling very well, and not just because of David, but because I woke up with no food cravings. this fast is going great. 24 hours in! already 1/10th of the way there. woo. I'll write later.

today sucked major. I have heen in a crummy mood all day, and I don't know why. I had a double shift at work, and a really bad headache. David called me at around 8am, but he wasn't feeling all that great because he only got two hours of sleep (sorry), and we didnt talk before I went to work or before he went to work. that was crummy. He just called me a few minutes ago saying he's having one of the worst days ever. I feel terrible, I wish there was something I could do. I feel responsible for keeping him up last night (even though he called me at 3am ..... ((his time))). I hope tonight we can talk even just for a little while and I can help pacify him. oop, he just called again.

On an unrelated note, I started the fast today. The lemonade I'm drinking is really a weird thing to behold. it's at first very sour from just the lemons, then very sweet from the syrup, then VERY hot from the cayenne peppers. the cool thing is I havent had any food pangs all day. I haven't gotten an empty feeling or anything, but I certainly have been thinking about food a lot (hard not to working at a restaurant and all). I feel pretty good. I have a burning sensation in my stomach, but a good kind. no pain no gain, right? Or loss. whatever. I can keep this up. 9 more days. *inner strength*. David's talking about how he got only like 3hours of sleep in the past 2 or 3 days, so I tell him when he gets home we're not talking and he's going to bed. he says "... no I'm not." *rolls eyes* what a punk :-P if you're gonna complain about no sleep, then sleep when you have the chance!

I work tomorrow for only one shift and then I have school monday and then tuesday is really my only day off until next tuesday (ugh ick blegh). well, I'm going to go take a shower or something and try to relax. that's all for now. tomorrow will be Day 2 of this fast, I hope Ican keep this up, It's so hard to see all this delicious food in front of me hours at a time and know I can't have ANY.

I'm starting that lemonade fast tomorrow. all I'll have for the next ten days is water, lemon juice, cayenne peppers, and maple syrup. I'll keep this thing posted about how I'm doing, I think that'll help a bit. I'm so tired from work. I think i'm putting my two weeks notice in soon. I can't stand the drunk and rowdy pot heads anymore. the people I work with are all dears, but I cannot take much more of it! oh well. David fell asleep I think, I missed his call when I was driving home. I feel terrible. I wanted to tell him goodnight, but I guess I'll have to wait to hear his voice tomorrow. I don't know what else to type, so I'm going to go lay down and try to sleep.. even though I didn't get to say goodnight ;O;.

I'm feeling very good right now. School's almost out, summer is right around the corner. I have my guitar back, and I have a bag of swedish fish right next to me. What's better is I'm waiting on a call from David so as to talk about what the plan is. These fish are so delicious. If they were illegal, I'd be in jail. Anyways, just wanted to start this thing up. I'll write more later maybe